Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:16 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Posted: 20 Dec 2010 06:03 AM PST

THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

==========================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

===========================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?..... Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty.

=====================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

===========================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*****************************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidaze!

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:26 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Christmas Carols for the disturbed

Posted: 19 Dec 2010 08:59 AM PST

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, ...

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:12 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Christmas Cards?

Posted: 18 Dec 2010 09:50 AM PST

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:22 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Christmas is tight this year

Posted: 16 Dec 2010 05:50 PM PST

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Maxi Pad Slippers

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:44 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Funky “trash” as wall art

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 08:03 AM PST

Our dining room has lots of wall space for pictures, but our budget doesn't have lots of cash for pictures. Do you also have some wall space that's just crying out for art?

Here's a conversation-starting idea: made funky wall art with empty wine bottles. They're basically ~~trash~~ recycling. How's that for thrifty nesting?

I'm one of those weirdoes who shops based on packaging or scent. In this case, I picked bottles of wine that had the coolest, most fun labels in the store. Chug-chug and it's done… no, we didn't chug the wine. It was actually very good and I'd like to buy more of this label. Anyway, I picked some wine labels that appeal to me as little pieces of art. Since my taste in art is a little modern, tongue-in-cheek, and food related, these labels AND bottles were perfect for my décor. Next time you're in your grocery store or wine shop, take a look at the labels. I bet you'll find a few that appeal to your taste in art.

By the way, if you're more interested in a beautiful wine label and don't want the bottle, redwinebuzz.com has a great tutorial on how to remove wine bottle labels.

Back to this thrifty nesting project:

Each bottle of wine was $7. If you have friends who drink wine with cool labels, ask them for their bottles. Heck – visit a restaurant that is proud of their wine list and ask if you can pick through their empty bottles. I am not kidding. It's trash. Just tell them why you want the bottles.
The shelf is a $2 Goodwill find. I gave it two coats of green craft paint and two coats of gloss Mod Podge for some shine.
Hang the shelf and arrange your bottles on it. I suggest it would look best with 3 and 5 bottles. No more, no less.

Total project cost, including the wine that we drank with dinner: $30. If you get your bottles for free, then total cost $2.

In this case, I feel that I hung it just a little bit too high on the wall. I need to lower it about 6 inches. The rule of thumb when hanging pictures or art is to place the center of the picture at eye level. Figure out where the nail would go, then lower the nail another 1 to 3 inches. Trust me. Most people hang pictures too high. When you hang it just below eye level, it makes the space and art more intimate and sophisticated. And it gives your art the impression that it cost more than you spent. It's all psychology, but I urge you to try it and see how lower pictures makes you feel.

If you try this, please take a picture and share it with me – I'd love to see how it turned out!

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:25 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Posted: 01 Dec 2010 10:06 AM PST

We have a fifteen year old at home who eventually will move out and set up her own Christmas tree in her own home. My own tree has several ornaments I got on trips or as gifts from dear friends, and they're all part of my own heirloom Christmas tree ornaments. Even the plastic Santa selling ice cream cones that I got on a road trip to Florida is one of my heirlooms, not because of the quality, but because of the memories surrounding it.

When my kiddo was a teeny baby, I knew she would need some of her own ornaments when she set up her very first Christmas tree (she can't have my plastic ice cream selling Santa, it's MINE), and so we started a cherished family tradition that she loves.

Here's a fun Frugal Nesting tip you can use to start a family tradition with any little ones in your family: start a collection of future Christmas or holiday heirlooms for your children to have when they set up their own homes.

GOLDEN AGE CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENTS, originally uploaded by David Zellaby.

On our daughter's first Christmas, she was a 2 month old preemie, only about 4 pounds, and still dwarfed by her preemie jammies. One of this tiny baby's gifts was an ornament that showed a teeny tiny baby teddy bear and the words "Baby's First Christmas."

Every year since, Santa has given her one or more ornaments that represent something significant from that year. By the time she sets up her first Christmas tree in her own place, she'll have a collection of heirloom ornaments to place on the tree. Each one will have a story that she can eventually tell to her kids and grandkids.

Christmas Ornaments 3, originally uploaded by Randy Son Of Robert.

The pictures in this post are borrowed from flickr users, but Rachel's ornaments include:

A pelican - from when her dad lived and worked 90 miles from home (boy did we miss him!) right on the beach at a restaurant called The Pelican Pub. We loved visiting him and climbing the big 300 foot tall sand dune just yards from the pub.

A sewing machine - when she was in third grade, her class sewed aprons as a class project. She was especially proud of hers and I still wear it when making cookies.

A truck - a few summers ago she visited G-ma and G-pa on the farm in Wisconsin. She was only 10 but that summer she learned how to drive the old farm truck. (In the field.) Later, when she returned home, she offered to drive my car for me, since she already knew how to drive. Thank goodness logic prevailed and she understood "no license-no driving."

When she started playing the cello in orchestra my sister Tina came to the rescue with a cello ornament. G-ma Donna also sent a music stand ornament the same year.

The past few years things have changed a little with Christmas. She approaches me and asks, "Are you giving me another ornament this year?"

I told her, "Yes, of course Santa will give you another one."

She raised one eyebrow. (I wish I could do that!) "Yeah, whatever."

Before she could stick her ipod headphones back into her ears I quickly asked, "Do you want to pick one out or be surprised?"

She smiled. "I want to be surprised. I love the ornaments."

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

5:36 AM

The Adventures of Pam & Frank

Pyramid Pillows Tutorial

Posted: 27 Nov 2010 10:12 AM PST

Blue Flame Pillow, originally uploaded by passitonplates.

I made a pair of pyramid pillows for Rachel a couple years ago. (This is one of the pair.)
It was so easy to do.

Materials:
One piece of fabric, twice as long as it is wide
Polyfoam pillow stuffing
Coordinating thread

Instructions:
1. Fold the fabric in half, right sides together , and matching the short ends. (It should look like a square.)
2. Sew along the short ends to make a tube.
3. Sew along one of the other open ends so the square is open on only one of the four sides.
4. Lay out the square with the open side at the top, the folded side on your right, and the side seam on your left.
5. Measure along the raw edge of the open side and mark the center point.
6. Flip the square over and repeat step 5.
7. Pinch one of your marks between the fingers on your right hand, pinch the other mark between the fingers on your left hand, and pull taut. The side seam should now be at the center point on the open end. Pin.
8. Sew along this edge to close, leaving about 6" open.
9. Turn right side out, stuff to desired softness, tuck in the raw edges, and topstitch to close.

Here's the latest from PamHawk.com

7:30 AM

Here's the latest from PamHawk.com

Small Business Saturday, November 27

Posted: 21 Nov 2010 10:26 AM PST

Like many people, I make every effort to shop at a local small business before I go to a big corporate store. American Express has started a movement to encourage others to visit their local small...

Visit my blog for the full story ~