Thursday, May 14, 2009

Pam's Inbox

5:35 AM    

Pam's Inbox

HOW TO SHOWER

Posted: 14 May 2009 04:11 AM PDT

Part 1 - HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
  1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
  4. Get in the shower.
  5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
  7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
  8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
  9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
  10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
  11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
  12. Shave armpits and legs.
  13. Turn off shower.
  14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  15. Spray shower with Tilex.
  16. Get out of shower.
  17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
  19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  20. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
  4. Get in the shower.
  5. Wash your face.
  6. Wash your armpits.
  7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
  8. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
  10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
  11. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  12. Pee.
  13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
  14. Partially dry off.
  15. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
  16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
  17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
  18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
  19. Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!

Oh, and....woo woo!!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Posted: 13 May 2009 08:15 AM PDT

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0;program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

We wish you the best of luck,
Tech Support